Music

Music has been something really helpful to me during this time.  I know I talked about these CD's on earlier posts and comments.

I mentioned the Bryan and Katie Torwalt CD Here on Earth in an earlier post.  I also mentioned the Hidden in My Heart CD.  Did a post when the first one came out but the first and second have been so instrumental to quieting my soul.

Another CD that has been on constant repeat around here is Bethel's live CD Be Lifted High which I mentioned in the comments on another post.  I seriously wake up constantly with the songs in my head....which is a good thing when quite often I am waking up with fear instead.  God I Look To You by Jenn Johnson is on repeat to the point that Jude will sing ever little part even the little background parts.  Simple but powerful.

God I Look to You
Jenn Johnson
God I look to You, I won’t be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You’re where my help comes from
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do
I will love You Lord my strength
I will love You Lord my shield
I will love You Lord my rock forever
All my days I will love You God
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns forever
All my days Hallelujah
(repeat)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh…..
Forever all my days I will love You, God.

I also really like her song Come to Me on the Loft Sessions CD.  She has an incredible voice.  The lyrics although really simple in both songs are really comforting and powerful.  I think their simplicity to makes it easy to hold onto in the middle of the night when I need to have truth repeating through my head.



 I am the Lord your God,
I go before you now.
I stand beside you
I’m all around you
And though you feel I’m far away
I’m closer than your breath
I am with you
More than you know

I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved
Ohhhh

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Heyyyy
Just come to me, come to me
Cause I’m all that you need

Helps that my husband keeps playing their songs for worship and around the house on the guitar.....even that is comforting.

I have some more to add but I am running out of time so I will have to do another post.  :)

Plans, Hopes and Failures

I am a planner but sometimes I honestly wonder why I bother.  HA HA.  Last week my plans were started and came to a screeching halt when I was confronted with a sick toddler and had quite the crazy week when his medicines were not working.  Today the plans I started last week are mocking me as I sit here typing.  You would think that I would have learned by now to hold my plans loosely.  That is easier said than done.  I am trying.

I had another rough day yesterday.  Some major disappointments with some financial issues we have been going through.  I lost it.  I completely failed that test/trial.  It has just been feeling like I am repeatedly tripped and kicked while I am down.  It stinks.  Aaron has been trying to tell me its all in perspective.  Do what you can do and then let it go because the only person it hurts is you and your loved ones.  That to is easier said than done too.  I hate that I failed in my reaction.  So there you go.  I was all encouraged last week with finding things to be thankful for in my sufferings and then I totally lost my momentum and my cool.  Trying to pause and regroup.  Thank God for my blessings.  Look for the positives.  All of this has forced some major changes and maybe those changes will end up being better for us.  Blessings in disguise.  So I am picking myself back up off the floor and trying to change my perspective.  That is my prayer this week.

I have a lot on my plate.  Finishing up the major projects I started that were interrupted last week.  Cleaning up the mess I made in my house doing those projects.  Getting my house in order for my friends that will be staying two weeks (so looking forward to this time).  Planning the last First Birthday party I get the privilege to plan.  I am a little sad going into prepping for Finn's party because I haven't had time to do things like I normally do.  The things I was planning all sort of fell apart.  I am just hoping I can make it special and beautiful and sweet for him....and for the memories for me ( I love that kind of stuff).  So I am hopeful.....signing off to roll up my sleeves to get the work done.

Almost a Year....That Went Fast

My little Finn Is Fast Approaching his first Birthday.  Oh, I really do think this last year was the fastest year of my life.  I so wish I could have slowed it down a little more.  Momma's with your first baby....enjoy each moment cause it gets faster with each one.

Helpful

Media as in TV, Movies, Reading the News, even Facebook has really had an effect on me during this time.  So I have been filling my days with lots of: interaction with others.  I play with my kids more, laugh with them more, talk (not just text) with my family and friends more, read good books a lot more, reading devotionals and God's word more, listening to uplifting music more. 

I have had some friends asking me what has been encouraging to me at this time.  Things I have been reading or listening to.  I think I have mentioned some in previous posts or comments but I am gonna list those that I haven't yet here.  Check out my other posts here and here and here ha ha!!  Today I will start with Books.....


Books

I have always enjoyed reading but now I have more time for it, since I am rarely reading the news or fb feed ( I get on and get off now and not everyday).  I have to still be careful with what I read because it can effect me like other media.  That has been a little hard if I don't fully know about a book.  So I have mostly been reading spiritual or self help or informative books.  For the most part they don't cause me anxiety.  HA HA.

I have really been enjoying books on the brain.  Was diving into stuff both to learn how to teach my children in a more effective way, to understand them more but also to understand myself and change my thought life.  It has been both facinating and also very, very helpful.

The first book I read was by Dr. Caroline Leaf.  She has studied the brain and links science with scripture. It is great.  Her book Who Switched Off My Brain? Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions was very helpful to me in working through some of my issues.  It still is.  Make sure to get the revised edition so that you have not just the info but the added chapters on how to work through making changes.  This book really meshes neuroscience with scripture over and over.  It was very encouraging and hopeful for me to read.  It has had a profound impact on starting the process of changing my thoughts and attitude and life really. 

 

The next brainy book I read was How Am I Smart?: A Parents Guide to Multiple Intelligences.  This book I picked up at The Great Homeschool Convention.  This author works with parents, educators (both secular and Christian) and students.  She was probably my favorite speaker at the convention.  Very fun, very encouraging and she had so much helpful information.  If you get a chance to catch her in person don't miss it.  I think she also has a lot of her talks on CD maybe even podcast.  She was great.  The benefit of seeing her in person is that if she engages all the facets of intelligence in her presentations so if you are visual you are really missing a lot on just the audio.  She really brought in a lot to her lectures.  But anyhow, her book is a light easy read.  It has really helped me in understanding each of my kids and how best to interact with them and also educated them.  This is a must for all parents.....not just homeschool families.  It was also helpful in understanding communication and issues between Aaron and I.  Now we laugh at things and point out our MI strengths.  If you want more info on Dr. Kathy Koch check out her website Celebrate Kids.

 

I have a bad habit of reading several books at once.....call it lack of focus or need for variety or other negative things.....ha ha.  Anyhow While I was in the above book I picked up another Dr Leaf book, The Gift In You: Discovering New Life Through Gifts Hidden In Your Mind, that ended up being on the same topic....multiple intelligence and it even had an evaluation.  I took the test myself and can't wait to give it to the kids.  It was a very compatible book to read with Dr. Kathy Koch's book.   I think as moms sometimes we can get so caught up in caring for everyone else that we forget our own gifts, what makes us tick, how we process things.  I think if you are feeling a little lost, or frustrated this book will really encourage and motivate you.  Can you tell I am all about encouragement right now.  There is enough yuck in this world.  I am choosing Life, choosing to accentuate the positive!!!

That has been it for the brainy books for now.  HA HA.  The other books I have been reading are mostly spiritual.  I read Francis Chan's Crazy Love and Forgotten God.  Aaron actually did worship for a conference Chan was speaking at and got to meet him and hang out.  Wish I had read his book before and I would have busted my shy self into the green room to meet him.  All I can say is that every CHRISTIAN should make Crazy Love top on their reading list after the Bible.  That is how profound, convicting and motivating that book was for me.  So excellent.  Love God, Love Others.  That is my main prayer for myself and my children.  Pray it over us everyday.  That is what life is all about people. 

The other book of his I read was Forgotten God.  It is basically a book on the Holy Spirit.  Coming from attending a Reformed Church this was something I needed to read and be reminded of.  I think in America in general we tend to downplay the Holy Spirit in our lives and churches.  I'm not looking for people barking like dogs but I do think that we can all do a better job of leaving room for the spirit to work.  We live comfortable lives here.  I have been in other countries, harder countries where people depend on God and the Holy Spirit much more in their lives.  I am praying to be more sensitive to the spirit.  This too was a convicting yet encouraging book to read.  I feel like I need to work back through it slowly.

Hope to hop back on here sometime this week and share some more things that have been helpful or that I am enjoying during this time. 

Goals

I have missed blogging (I know I keep saying it but get sidetracked).  I have missed learning new things.  I have missed having this little regular family document, I have missed having a goal......

So Aaron and I had a talk recently about my little blog.  He thinks I should get back to writing on it regularly.  I think he is right.  So I am trying to make the time.   I also really want to learn more about designing a blog.  I have enjoyed googling and figuring out how to change things here, but that has been a time suck (that I haven't had time for lately) and I need something more direct and intensive.  I need to have all the info there ready to learn without getting sucked into the online vortex.  I want to pretty up my space visually, because I am a visual person and I think that will motivate me with the writing.  I am looking at taking a class and moving over to WP.  First, I need to see if I have the diligence to stick with it again.  So I am setting goals.

Starting today until August 19th I am going to try to blog at least once a week.  If I can do that (and save enough money to pay for the class) I am going to reward myself by signing up and learning to do this thing properly.  I have lost a lot of myself in the last two years.....lost myself in the day to day of life.  Lost myself by losing balance, not planning, not having goals.  I was so busy helping everyone else I forgot to put the oxygen mask on myself.  So here is to finding a few things that energize me and making it a priority to fit them in. 

Thankful through Suffering

Source: google.com via Bethany on Pinterest

I am finally learning to be thankful.....through all of this.    This last week on Sunday night I had another episode that was the worst I have had since February.  It was awful.  Aaron and I talked about all the triggers....there were a few.  I have been ok the rest of the week.  Just minor.  This I have to say has been one of the hardest things I have been through.   I hate feeling this way, hate feeling out of control, hate being afraid, hate feeling like I might die, hate how some people have treated me......but there have also been some really good things.  While I wish that it would go away forever I am so thankful that it has woken me back up to life.  I am thankful for this hardship and what it has taught me.  God is working it all for good.

So here are some of the things I can list that having Anxiety Attacks has been good for, what I am thankful for through this suffering:

1. I am awake again.  I previously was "moon blinked" going through the motions asleep.  I am AWAKE.  I am ALIVE!!!!  I love it.

2.  I have cut so many time sucks.  I have more time for my kids and Aaron....and myself.

3.  I am living a simpler life and it is getting more so.  I have discovered life is much sweeter and fuller this way.

4.  I have learned to communicate so much better with others.

5.  I have learned to take time for myself.

6.  I have learned to communicate better with God....seriously I am in constant prayer....all day long we chat.  It has been the best thing about all of this.  I need God and rely on Him so much more now.  Ask for help from him more now.  Thank Him for more now.

7.  Even though I am still plagued with some symptoms I feel so much freer.  I feel like fear is losing its grip on me.

8.  I am learning balance.

9.  I am thankful for being forced to make healthy choices with food, exercise, drink, media, negative people, obligations etc.  It has been so hard and yet so freeing.  I wanted to do this but didn't know how and now it is really a necessity and God's way of changing me.  I'm gonna turn 40 and be probably healthier than I have ever been.  That is my hope.

10.  I am enjoying my kids so much more, probably because I have energy to enjoy them.

11. I feel closer to Aaron than ever.

12.  I have enjoyed the best summer with the kids that I can remember in a long time.  We are having so much fun together and yet most of our days are ordinary.  Park, Library, Swim lessons and yet they are ordinarily perfect.

13.  I have an intense desire to make a difference....to care for others.

14.  I am getting better at dumping my worries and making decisions quicker without regrets.

15.  I am learning "good enough"!

16.  I no longer care what other people think (most of the time....still a work in progress).  But this has really released me of a lot of anxiety and for the first time I feel like I am making choices that are best for me and my family not what others expect or want or what is best for them.  This has been so good.

17.  I am finding my voice.

18.  Dreams are being reignited.

19.  I am learning to say goodbye to sarcasm....cause really it is just toxic life stealing thinking.

20.  I am so thankful for the friends and family that I have grown close with.  The people I can text or call at any hour and know they are really praying for me.  The people I have grown to love even more through praying for them too.  The new friends I have connected with who are suffering similar issues.

21.  I am so Thankful to Feel the Holy Spirit moving to change me, to comfort me even in mundane moments in my kitchen.

22.  I am thankful for the people God has brought into my life to know I am not alone and to encourage.  I love to encourage and this has been something that I have been able to really reach out with.


23.  I am thankful that my spirit and my mind are coming back alive and becoming so much stronger and healthier.

24.  I am so thankful for my surroundings and every day I get to wake up and live this life.  The hard days and the fabulous days.  They are all gifts and I am so grateful for each breath.

25.  I am so so so thankful that I am finally learning to really TRUST God.

Salt Creek @ Laguna Niguel

Our favorite family beach spot.  Good surf.  Lots of clean sand (no erosion and they tractor sweep).  Mostly families.  Easy parking.  Nice walk to beach.  Beautiful park overlooking the beach.  Decent bathrooms.  Grill with snacks right on the beach.  Golf cart shuttle for the elderly or lazy (ha ha).  We have been hitting it almost once a week this summer.

My group of friends have beach day every week during the summer where they meet at different beaches.  Normally I participate but this year it was a bit much for me.  So Aaron and I have been making it a point to go as much as possible together.  (Going to early service at church really helps).  I am at that hard stage where I have two in the water surfing and boogie boarding that need watching.  Two - three in the sand running all over and going crazy and one that is nursing at times.  Its just too much for one momma to handle on her own.  I need a designated extra set of hands not just a oh yeah we can help.  Plus I really need some muscles to drag all my crud to the sand and someone that can jump in that big old ocean if one of the boys needs help.  Thanks BABE.

Girl's Late Afternoon At Lunch Salon

One thing I am super grateful for about only having one daughter is that I can spoil her with special little treats and times together like this.  We both went to see my hairdresser Michele at Lunch Salon together.  I loved making the memory. 

I have to say doesn't my little girlie look like a glamorous old Hollywood starlet in that first pic!!!  I love having my iphone camera on me at all times to capture these treasured moments.

Good Enough

I have started several posts here over the last few weeks, but for some reason never finished them up and hit publish.  Many ups and downs.  Learning new things.  Messing up and learning to stand again.

On June 13, my counselor set me free.  HA HA.  She felt I had the tools and was strong enough to move forward on my own or at least not having to meet on a set schedule. She told me that I could call her if there were any problems or relapses where I needed to talk things out.  The last three weeks have been interesting.  The first week I did great.  Then the last week in June I decided to take on too much and didn't make room for quiet for myself....I started waking at night with anxiety again.  Nothing as severe as February but it was there.  Aaron insisted I take even ten minutes by myself.  He told me grab it when you can.....whatever I can.  This was after he told me he would finish making dinner and I was telling him I was almost done.  Off I went to my room, I felt a lot better.  

This last week I had a really hard night, one where I had to wake up Aaron because I was so afraid.  I didn't know why it was happening and was so discouraged.  Then Aaron reminded me about something one of my kiddos said at the park to someone.  I was so disappointed and sad and really internalized it.  (It was about someones skin color and I literally cried at what came out of my child's mouth....even though they didn't really know and it was just that working out in their head.  The child did apologize but I felt I needed to do more).  I tormented myself but the next day instead of wondering and avoiding I tracked the woman down at the park.  I was able to express myself and she was so understanding and there we stood two Momma's with watery eyes hugging in the park.  It was wonderful.  This facing issues instead of avoiding has been a good thing.

Speaking of Good.  I have a new motto for the rest of this year, maybe the rest of my life it's "Good Enough!"  For so long I have beaten myself up over falling short.  I have not enjoyed learning from mistakes.  I have nit picked my failures, where I came up short so much that I couldn't enjoy progress.  I have recently in the last two years been frozen in fear to even start things or do things I use to knowing I couldn't do them perfectly or even to previous standards.  Well, I am passing up perfect for Good enough.  The new curtains I made, they are not perfect but they are good enough.  I might not have a day that goes as planned but each day I do what I can and its good enough.  I am gonna push fears of failure aside and know that even if I fall flat on my face if I keep practicing one day it will be good enough.  I'm gonna stop wasting time researching that perfect diet, perfect new vacuum cleaner, perfect curriuclum for my kids.  I am gonna keep moving forward one bite at a time not looking back.  I am setting boundaries and learning to be happy with good enough.  Cause really this side of heaven there is no perfect and I have been wasting my time trying to attain it.  So wanna join me?

Its not that I don't want to try my hardest and do my best I do.  I just don't want to waste time on things that don't matter and be satisfied with good enough.  I don't want to speak negatively to myself pointing out all the mistakes, I want to be satisfied knowing I tried my hardest and what I produced was good enough.

Remember Cinco de Mayo

Last week my big boys were pouring over my blog laughing at all the old pics, ohhhhing and ahhhing.  Made me realize how I need to keep it up for them.  So much easier to do right now than a scrapbook.  A lot cleaner too.  Plus they all can access it, not just one copy.  So in order to pick up where I have slacked lately...here is our Cinco de Mayo Celebration at our friends and neighbors house, Patrick and Natalie.  If Patrick looks familiar you must have kids that watch The Fresh Beat Band or certain Hallmark Movies.  ;)  My Kids Adore him....actually my husband does too.  His P90x buddy.