Learning.....

This has been such a busy season.  I haven't had a moment to get on here.  I took on too many things again.  A dear friend saved an email to show me in the future when I am feeling lighter and prone to saying yes to things quite easily.  It is a reminder to pause and wait until my littles are not quite so little anymore.  But my commitments will be lightening come January and I am looking forward to a little less rush in the New Year.

Another funny probably in light of the paragraph above.....is that I haven't stopped working.  I got some calls from really good past clients, literally the week after my post.  Aaron and I discussed it.  With winter looming and holes in the roof of our garage we both thought it best that I take on some work to help with the funds to reroof and finish off the first part of our detached garage.  We both think it makes sense to get on that and give the kids a playroom of sorts.  That has been such a waste of space for the last nine years.  It is time to claim it.  And well....the holes were a necessity to get fixed before the rains.  It looks like the jobs I have taken on will help fund this first stage of repairs and walls.  We have dreams of turning the 1920's garage with its snow white cottage look into more usable space with plumbing and a loft bedroom of sorts on the second floor.  But for now we are just getting it repaired and bare bones to use.  Besides two of my dear friends (and babysitters that I owe my life to, ha ha).....I am no longer taking on cheap shoots for friends and church people .  We just can't justify the time away from the kids anymore.  So I think the balance to working is in keeping them to a small manageable amount and keeping the clients to the ones that pay the full amount.  I think I would miss saying goodbye completely.  Its good.  God is really pushing me to face some fears through it all too and that is the most important thing.

Speaking of fears and anxieties.....some have come back.  I think it is something that will probably be a life long battle.  I am learning to tackle it, face it, use it, and really pay attention to what it is telling me.  There are some personal circumstances that (I won't be sharing here...but close friends know) that when they flare up are triggers that set me off.  Also I am very, very effected by medical issues and death with people around me or people I know.  My sister lost a dear YOUNG friend so so quickly to cancer this last month.  Both the diagnosis and the swiftness that she was taken caused me so much heartache and grief and questioning of God.  It really tore me up.  I hate cancer.  Lost a dear friend myself to it it when I was 15.....in November.  I think it all has been showing up in the turmoil I feel inside, the restless nights, the shortness of breath.

This week I really felt like I was spinning.  That my balance was off and I need to get back to center.  I rushed for the mountains.  I love going to the mountains.  I read recently about how Jesus went to the mountains to pray....to be alone.  I love that even my Savior needed to get away alone and I love that he chose the mountains too.  I can understand why.  I got up there and could breathe.  I go to a place where the trails are still closed due to fire.  There is hardly anyone ever up there and its lovely and quiet except for the sounds of the stream and birds and such.  Its always cooler there and there is such a magical dancing of light as it pushes through the trees.  I went there this week and prayed and wrote and dumped.  I wrote 6 full pages in a large journal in less than an hour.  I drove out feeling so much lighter so much more refreshed.  I slept well that night.....I had not in quite awhile.  I am so thankful that I am aware now of the needed time outs.  Aware of what takes me back to center.  I pray that I never drift so far off course again.  I know there will be drifting....that is life but I am hoping that the anxiety is my warning to wake up and readjust.  I will take the knees knocking over the dullness of depression any day.  At least knocking knees are making me move, making me fight to be alive.